Joseph Anthony Retreat Spa and Salon

I decide that my quest for beauty shouldn’t end with webbed feet or some other potentially bizarre side effect. But I could handle a slimmer physique. Perhaps what I really need is an antiaging solution from the neck down. Dr. Evan Zelinger at Abington Aesthetic & Laser Medical Center (11 N. Second St.; 235 N. Easton Road, Glenside; abingtonaesthetic.com) piques my curiosity by telling me about Coolsculpting, a recently FDAapproved technology that freezes fat cells so the body excretes them naturally over a period of two to four months. “This treatment is for someone who exercises and eats well but just can’t get rid of a few stubborn areas of flab, like on the abs or thighs,” Dr. Zelinger informs me, as I picture myself in a Tomas Maier bikini sans body jiggle. So, will the process feel like frostbite? “There’s a cool sensation, but after a while you don’t notice it. I have patients who fall asleep during the treatment,” Dr. Zelinger says. “The skin is a little tender the next day, but that goes away quickly.” Treatments start at $650, but the results are permanent. What if I eat pounds of brie and become sloth-like? “You can regain fat, but it would mostly be in other areas,” he says. Visions of fat toes and chubby wrists now dance in my head.

My last meeting is with Dr. Eric Bernstein, founder of the Centers for Cosmetic Laser Surgery (32 Parking Plaza, Ste. 200, Ardmore; dermguy.com), who fills me in on his new skincare line, LaseResults—which, as the name implies, aims to erase wrinkles with laser-like efficiency. It is boosted with CRV-8 Complex, Dr. Bernstein’s patent-pending blend of resveratrol, peptides and other wonderful age-delaying compounds, so I am inclined to believe it might actually work. The Intensive Focused Repair Lotion sounds especially divine: It’s a night treatment that strips away dead skin and stimulates “extracellular matrix production” to reduce pores, add clarity and impart a velvety glow by morning. All that, and for only $85. Of course, Dr. Bernstein does let it slip that he got in a new Fraxel laser—the Bright + Clear—that would blast away lines with the force of an aggressive laser but without the usual pain and downtime.

Still, I think I might start with a cream and see where I go next. Maybe all I need to do is to slip on those Tom Ford sunglasses and install soft lights in the bathroom. As far as quick fixes go, that’s as easy as it gets.

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